I had the pleasure of picking up my granddaughter from kindergarten last week. As she ran towards me (for a smashing great hug!), I noticed a big sticker on her shirt. Hugs and kisses over, I put her at arms length so I could read her sticker. In big letters it read “I Was Proactive Today”.
Me: Sweetie, do you know what your sticker says?
Her: Yes, Grandma. It says I was proactive today.
Me: And do you know what that means?
Her: Yes, it means that I did something without being asked first. That I was helpful just because I saw someone needed me to be.
Me: Right! What exactly did you do to earn your sticker?
Her: I gave a picture to one of my friends because she needed it to finish her work.
Me: Oh honey. I’m so proud of you.
With her chest puffed out, we walked over to the other door to pick up her big brother as he exited his second grade classroom. More hugs and kisses for me.
Me: Hi sweetie. How was your day?
Him: Mostly good. But also not so good.
Me: Really? What happened?
Him: Yesterday I wanted to play with my friends at recess but they didn’t let me. I was really sad about that. So today I brought my football so we could all play together. But they didn’t want to play football. I really, really wanted to play football with them but they didn’t want to.
Me: What did you say to them? What did you do about it?
Him: Nothing really. It’s just making me feel bad.
Me: I’m sorry that happened honey. But I know you and I know you will figure out how to solve this problem.
And off he ran up the hill towards home with his sister trying to keep up. It was a bittersweet moment for a grandmother. How proud I was of how each of them handled a peer situation and how stunned that there would be one child on the planet who would not want to play with my grandson! I mean, seriously, he is awesome!!
The two interactions got me thinking. If a 5 year old is learning to be proactive on behalf of others, when do we un-learn that habit? If a 7 year old persists in appropriate ways to get his needs met and handles the disappointment when it doesn’t happen, when do we become frustrated whiners? Where is the reaching out to help our peers in the workplace? Where is the self sufficient problem solving that doesn’t require escalation to higher authorities or trash talking about our peers?
Several decades ago, the book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten was all the rage for businesses. It was a reminder that playing well with others was quite elementary and it was important for adults to get back to some good habits. We are years down the road, the world has changed significantly and we, once again, have forgotten our childhood lessons. I did a bit of digging to learn more about my grandchildren’s school curriculum because I was curious about 5 year olds learning big words and concepts like proactive. It turns out that the kindergarten curriculum is based on Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People!! Imagine that; teaching small children how to be independent, interdependent and to strive for continuous self improvement. What lovely synchronicity. Learn great habits in kindergarten, practice them throughout school and hopefully you will become an effective adult.
But my observation is that the simple guidance of these books is not so evident in the workplace today. I have been thinking about several of these behaviors.
- Take turns. Adults want to be first, best, the only, the winner. If someone else has that designation it can only mean: someone cheated or behaved poorly to leap in front, someone has an affirmative action advantage, someone is the boss’ favorite, someone is brown nosing the boss, someone is just crazy not to see how much better I am. I hear people everyday believing that if someone else gets a turn or a piece of the pie, that means there is less for me or something unfair has occurred. A 5 year old doesn’t think that way. We all take turns, it doesn’t mean that something is wrong, it will be my turn again soon so there really isn’t less to go around, that’s just the way the world works. Besides, we are supposed to be nice and fair.
- Play well with others. Maybe as we age we focus more on Covey’s independent habits and think less about all that win-win and mutual understanding stuff that is required of interdependence. I used to teach team development skills so people could learn how to collaborate for better outcomes. It used to be the norm that we had to be good team players. But I’m not convinced that people see the personal cost-benefit to participating in the collective. It seems that individual recognition is preferable because I can count on the value of my own work product more than others. The team pulls us down to the lowest common denominator or so I am told. Again, kids understand that everyone needs to make a great effort to create a fun and exciting learning environment. Everyone has to participate in this.
- Be responsible. I’ve been hearing the word “lazy” a lot recently. Colleagues describe how others are just not working as hard, staying as late, being as responsive or following through. Emails not answered lickety split: lazy! Requests for work products delayed six nanoseconds: lazy! Leaving the office at 8pm: lazy! My granddaughter is learning about SMART goals. Remember that day in B-school? When did we forget this?
I see these three behaviors as a related cluster. Intolerance that others may be talented or better than you, not wanting to count on the contributions of others and being pissed off when others don’t march to your beat all strike me as insecure and self centered. When we have to denigrate others by projecting negative attributes onto them and believe superior ones about ourselves, then we are in a whole world of self doubt. And things get ugly quickly.
It may be time to revisit those kindergarten lessons…or Steven Covey. Develop good self awareness and self reliance and be mindful and generous with those around you. As my grandchildren could tell you, if you do these things you will learn a lot and make good friends. And then you get to go to recess where I’m sure my grandson will have figured out how to get you involved in a rowdy game of football!